Renungan

A few days ago I read an article about Sharon Au (one of Singaporean actress, who decided to leave for studying in Japan on scholarship sponsored by TV station) life's story.
The article said, Sharon works very hard and always tries her best to make other people happy, because her childhood were so tough, and most of her friends pity her coz these things are not easy and not fair for her.
That article reminds me of my counsellor statement to me,"Flona, I see that in your life, you always try very hard to make other people happy, even though you have to sacrifice your own happiness in order to achieve that. Have you ever tought of making your self happy instead?"
Second question is,"You hide your feelings very well, you hardly show your anger to other people, and you swallow everything yourself, don't you feel it's very hard for you?"
It's a very difficult questions, I've never thought about it. I think what I do is normal, until she woke me up and I've just realised that I've grown up to learn that a lot of things can not be accepted by my parents, the only things that I can do is trying to be accepted by them, by doing things that they can accept. I can't show any negative feelings towards them, they only want to see in a very good condition both physically and emotionally. I know they love me and proud of me so much, but they only care to provide me with material than emotional well being. They work very hard which I know because they concern about my future. They only monitor me by physically being around them but don't ever know what's inside my heart and mind. They don't really guide me, but they apply "banana law" (remember ospek?), which:
Rule no one parents are always right.
Rule no two if parents do wrong, please refer to rule no one.
It's not an easy environment to grow up and not an easy things to do as well. Thanks God I grew up became like me now, didn't go to the wrong path, but then the impact is, I don't know what actually that I really want and a lot of bitterness inside me. I can't show my anger...I can't express negative feelings towards other people...I can't say "No" just simply because when I reject something then I'll hurt their feelings...When I make decision I will put a lot of consideration of other people around me, not only my parents but everybody (now you know, why Nunik still live happily inside my house *grinned*).
Lately I learned that my behaviour is not normal, no matter how much efforts you put to make other people happy, it will never be enough, and I have to try even harder to keep them happy. Worse still, some of the irresponsibble and heartless people try to use this opportunity towards me. I'm very exhausted now, but there's no way out...I play the game too deep to go out....
Still I don't blame my parents , but I have to thank them for providing me, for all the things that they've done made me become stronger and down to earth person. If I try to see the positive side, it's because of my weak heart, that make me in my position now, I always go extramiles for my clients, just because I can't say "No". The other positive is when I see the wall in front of me (especially when dealing with clients), I have to think of solution that make them happy instead of showing my anger towards them for their ridiculous requests.
Then on tuesday evening, while I was driving, I listened to 1 of the radio channel, which I forgot which one, they were discussing about happiness, and they asked 1 question that really made me think very hard,"Are you happy with your life? have you done something that you really want in your life?"
Again, that question really ring my bell, but the problem is "what do I really want in my life?"
I've forgotten about my self, especially my feelings so long time ago, I'm very numb now... until I don't even care (can't think of to be exact) what I do really want to be and to get for my life *sigh*