Not that I've met Britney in person. I just finished watching ther documentary "Britney: For The Record" whereby she invited the film crew into her life to capture her life for 60 days, to make public see what her actual life and feelings are...
It is very touching, seeing her not been able to have her freedom anywhere, it must be scary to live her life....it's even worse than life in the prison...whereby her life is very ironic she is free to do anything but yet she can't do anything in her own luxurious time...
When she started to say,"I'm like always running aways from my life, because I can't do a lots of things that normal people could do in their life...she has lost her freedom after being famous..and actually I've been guarded very well so far before, but I was lonely.." I felt like,"Wow, that's me...the part that I have lost my own freedom of being me...the luxurious that I've never had in my life until now..and the part that she said that she was lonely...I am lonely too..."
You can see me have a lots of friends, but friends...real friends that I am talking about..how many of them that you really have in your life...in Britney's case I still see, at least, she has the whole entourage around her..almost day and night...even though she also saying that,"When I am starting to talk about what I feel, seems like everbody is hearing but they don't really listening and understand what I am talking about...they hear, what they wanna hear they don't really listent to what I am trying to tell them...they've never get serious to listen about what I am talking about...what am I feeling right now.."
Again I was amazed,"Wow, that's me..." Even when I am telling the sore of my life, 95% of so called "my best friends" are behaving that way..and some of them also started to say "Ah...it's you just think unnecessary things...or Ah you are talking non-sense.." Or they just sheepishly turn the conversation to another topics, to avoid me talking more deeply into my real sore problems...
I really can't see the support that I expected...the support that really can accept me as per what I am...they always see me as the lucky person...but who knows behind all my joviality, my crazy silly jokes, there is a deeply wounded heart, that most of the people don't know what I am going through...
Britney said,"Even when you go to jail, there is always the time that you know when you're gonna get out..but..."
It touch me even deeper...yeah exactly...i haven't been out ever since i fell into my quarter life crisis until now...I was hoping that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel..but not..I am starting to lose hope about the light at the end of the tunnel..and started to believe that the tunnel that I am going through is the dark, deep endless tunnel...
I used tot think that my life is out of control, but actually after hearing Britney said that actually her life is not out of control, on the contrary her life is under a lot of control, and it makes her life boring...there is no excitement at all...and I realised it's true...that's what I am going through...I don't have control of my life...not even control over my maid...I am under control of my maid, isn't that silly?
In fact last night I was talking to 1 of my best friend, and he said that I am blessed by having my current maid in my life...but I told him, I felt like I even lose control over my own house...a lots of things that I would love to do it my self, but it has been taken over by her...and she refuses to hear what I wanted to do...just because my current maid might be "a starbucks graduate" who always go extra mile with the service *sigh* And after that again my friend turned the conversation into something else...AAARRRGGGHHHH COULD SOMEBODY REALLY LISTEN TO ME SERIOUSLY PLEASEEEE....
Britney also said that she is scared to go into the real happiness, just because she scared that it might be taken away someday...so she doesn't allow herself to feel...so that it won;'t be painful when it is taken away...
Again, that's me...I am not allowing my self to feel, because I just scared that when I let my feeling run, it is definitely will hurt me deeply....and because I am used to not allowing my self to feel...no I can't feel anything at all...
She also said that she always avoid to be at home, and when she was in her cars and she was driving, she always feels like going somewhere....again..it's me...just because when I am home it just like I don't have control over all the things...meanwhile when I am in my car, I have a full control over the steering wheel, my speed, where I wanna go etc...
Like her, I am also angry with my self for people taking advantages of me and angry with people lso for taking advantages of me and for letting it go on for so long..but not like her..I am stil not been able to let it go...
She could choose to be a happy person...that's also the things that I haven't been able to do...She has a lots of people around her that she could spend time with...me? Who do I have to have fun with? Yeah sometimes I do have some friends to have "a fake fun" but I really wish that I do have constant friends that I could have even "fake fun" with...
The things that keep me going until now is the responsiblity towards my parents...that's it...
And I am really wanna gain power and strength in me to be back on track, and being able to enjoy my life...Life is short, and I've spent half of it by being bitter with my life...and still not being able to let it go...will I ever be able to get happiness in my life?
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